1. Gas mileage. Those ads you read? They’re not from
the engineers, they’re not from head office, they’re not even from the
advertising department. They just set up a conference call between a
unicorn and a leprechaun and said, “Give us a number.”
2. There is nothing worse than doing a perfect parallel
park on the first move, and having nobody around to witness it. At the
very least, you deserve a round of applause, if not a small medal.
3. Instead of asking auto journalists for articles
on car care tips and keeping a car clean, they should just publish
pictures of the condition of our cars. We’d never be asked to write
those articles again.
4. Finding a headline that
says, “How to drastically increase your gas mileage” and finding tips
like “Go around corners more slowly” and “Check your tire pressure” is
the equivalent of discovering your date is wearing Spanx. These things
will nominally help your mileage; throwing your keys in the lake will
help it drastically.
5. Electric cars are a hard
sell because most products promise to rid your life of anxiety, not
introduce more. We’re entering an age where people are concerned about
leaking when they sneeze; sitting in a grounded car is just not a risk
many are willing to take.
6. Your car manual was
not written by you. I believe it was not even written for you. You will
not find “Scary little flashing light that looks like a small pile of
rabbit turds” in the index. You will finally find a notation that simply
tells you the child locks are on, or your squirter fluid is low.
Flashing and orange should only be used for imminent death situations.
7. Speaking
of squirter fluid, that jug you bought will never fit in the
receptacle. There will always be some left over. The manufacturers are
the hot dog makers who believe hot dogs should be sold by the dozen, and
buns should be sold in eights.
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